I met this guy on Tinder. He was a nice, Jewish boy and lived on the Upper West Side. His name was Jeremy. At the time I was 43 and he was 26. He was an accountant and studying for his CPA license. I was doing laundry while we were texting and he wanted to Facetime me. I said sure. I looked awful. Because, well I was doing laundry. But we facetimed. He was actually much cuter on facetime. The next day was 4th of July so we decided we were going to spend it together. He came over and drank a little and walked outside to see if we could see fireworks. We couldn’t. We went back inside and talked for awhile. His parents lived on Long Island and they don’t know that he isn’t orthodox because they are. He went to Yeshiva for college. He seemed like a nice guy. We slept together. And he suggested 69-ing, which I was surprised about. It’s such an olde skool thing to do. I hadn’t done that in forever. It was pleasant. I give him points for creativity. After awhile he left and then i heard from him a few days later to see if I wanted to hang out. I was like “sure”. And he said he’d call me Saturday. So i said okay. To be honest I didn’t really care if I saw him again or not. But i didnt have plans yet so I said sure…if he wants to come to my place. Saturday rolls around and i didnt hear from him. Around 4pm I asked if he was coming over. He said he couldn’t decide between coming over or going to a party his friend was throwing. So i said that is so rude to make me wait around to see what your decision is. I said go to your friend’s party. And then I blocked him. No big loss. Truly. But two years later and I’m scrolling through Facebook and because you can log in to Tinder with Facebook he came up in my friend suggestions. I’m like really?? Thanks FB. Great data mining. Luckily they do also have the hide feature so I don’t have to see his smiling indecisive face staring out from his profile pic anymore.
I met this guy Greg from Staten Island although Im not sure if it was on Tinder or Cougar Life. I told him Staten Island is too far for me to travel and he said he would drive to Queens for me. I don’t remember what he did. I think he was in finance but wanted to be in education. He was also about 10 years younger than i. So we decided one Friday night for him to come over and watch movies and order pizza. Oh..and drink wine. I asked him if he knew how to install a firestick ( not a euphemism). He said he was pretty tech savvy and that it would be no problem. The night he decided to come over it was a torrential downpour. He got to my apt completely drenched. He had to park kind of far because parking is bad in my neighborhood and he had no umbrella. It was dripping from head to toe. I gave him a towel and a t-shirt (it’s nice when exes leave things at my apt). And when he was dried off as sufficiently as he could, I said “can you install the firestick now?” So poor guy just came in from a torrential downpour but I was so excited I was going to have Netflix on my tv! So while he’s trying to figure it out I ordered pizza for us. He brought wine to my apt. And it was Rose’. Which I am a sucker for. So once he got the firestick hooked up we watched a subtitled horrible sci fi movie on Netflix and ate and drank. And i drank some more. And before you know it, I was completely buzzed. Like room was spinning buzzed. I asked if we could lay in bed because i needed to lay down. And he obliged. It didn’t take long before we would up hooking up. I was so buzzed though that i had no coordination and was dizzy. Everything I did was in slow motion. I couldn’t stay on top of him. I started laughing. I think he finished. I don’t really remember. We both fell asleep and woke up the next morning. He had something to go to which I was fine with (even if he made it up) because I just wanted to take an aspirin and sleep some more. He called me a few weeks later wanting to come back over. I said sure we could hang out but then called me that night and said he was sick. I also don’t know if that was made up. Regardless, I do think of the guy every time I watch Netflix/Amazon or Hulu on my tv.
So I met this EMT named Mike. On, you guessed it, Tinder. We talked for a few months before we even met because his schedule was crazy. He worked like 80 hours a week and was on call so a few times we tried to make plans but he had to cancel. He was adorably cute. Like the cutest face. But he was short. 5’3” to be exact. I’m 5’7″. But I really enjoyed talking to him so I figured I could get over the height thing. He finally made it over one night. We chatted for awhile, and I found out we both moved here from the same place. He lived like a mile from me there. Small world (that was not a height reference). Anyway, yes we wound up having sex and it was fine. I’m used to taller guys but it didn’t really bother me. But my favorite part of the entire night was he had his work backpack with him because he came straight from his shift. And he had EKGs from calls he had that day. And he showed me how to read the EKGs. And he had a stethoscope. And he let me listen to my heart. And let me listen to his heart. One of the EKGs showed a heart attack. It was really sad but also fascinating that medical equipment can test that. And we discussed medicine for awhile and his different emergency calls he had. I knew it wasn’t going to work out because our hours wouldn’t mesh and he lived kind of far. But we actually did talk for awhile after. He was cool. The last time I spoke with him he was buying condos in London to use as Air B&Bs. Not sure how often he’d be able to get over there. But I hope he made a profit at it. I wish I could have gone with him sometime on his shift. I would be the official EKG reader. But alas, it was not meant to be. Still he was one of the cooler and more gentlemanly guys I’ve met.
Since I work a ton of hours, and don’t have much free time, Tinder is my primary source of dating. It’s dating for lazy people. Honestly, I am not a huge drinker and don’t like crowds. Or noise. So bars are not my thing. I’ve been hit on on the sidewalk while waiting for a cab or uber, and it’s happened quite a few times, but it kind of weirds me out. Because I work in technology, I tend to like guys in the same field. I feel like I have something in common with them (except for the fact that I don’t like the Star Wars franchise). While scrolling through Tinder I was super-liked by this guy named Josef. And he worked for a “major” technology company (I’ve watched a lot of Wheel of Fortune where you can’t say the name brand), and he was a back end engineer (that is not a euphemism). The guy was really hot. Like my type to a T. Tall, dark hair, glasses. Which sounds dorky but he was more model looking. We chatted back and forth for awhile and the following Saturday night I invited him over. He was half Swiss/half British. So he had a nice accent. He came over to my apt. We made small talk and then he went into how he just broke up with his ex-girlfriend and she was also Jewish like me. But she just didn’t want to be with him anymore. And he missed her. So then I felt like a consolation prize. And I almost told him to leave. But he’s like “you are so nice and so pretty”. So I thought “fine…he can stay”. We watched a movie and drank wine and then started making out. And then moved to the bed. And as he undressed, I realized he wasn’t circumcised. Because I’m Jewish and have dated mostly Jewish guys, even ones that weren’t Jewish were circumcised. I had a mini freak-out like “what do i do??” “why is his penis wearing a cloak” and “it kind of looks like those Auntie Anne’s hot dog wrapped in a pretzel thing”. I didn’t want to give him a blow job because I didn’t think I’d know what to do. I wouldn’t even know how to put a condom on it. I like simplicity. Im pretty sure I didn’t know what i was doing. I just kept pushing that annoying extra skin back. I wanted to tape it down. Luckily he put on the condom. He was very dominant. Like into choking and spanking. Which normally I would like but I was still weirded out by the yam-looking penis. So we had sex. and then after sex he talked about his ex some more. And then had sex again. And then fell asleep. And the next day we woke up and walked to the train together because I had to go to meet a friend. But being on the train with him was so awkward. We had nothing to say to each other. Normally with someone who works in tech I’d have a ton of things to say. But I think I just had foreskin shell-shock. Which should be a recognized psychological disorder. I never saw or talked to him again but every once in awhile when i use a particular nameless search engine, i do think about him and hope he got back together with his ex.
As I was swiping through Tinder one night, I got a “super like” from this guy. He was really cute and a pharmacist. So I was like…nice…a guy with a job. You can tell I set my standards high. And btw I’ve changed SO much since then. But I digress…this guy was 33. Seemed like he had his shit together. We started talking. He lived in Brooklyn but worked at a pharmacy in Long Island. We met at a restaurant in Queens (of course because God forbid I should traipse to Brooklyn). And he told me he had some pot and would I like to smoke. So I said sure. We went back to my place and got stoned. And we talked a large part of the night and had so much fun. We just made out for awhile and then fell asleep. He got up and left somewhat early because he had to go to work. We made plans to see each other again. He came over the next week and we ordered dinner and got stoned again. He said he gets really good stuff from a friend of his. I figured he’s a pharmacist, so maybe he knows his pot. Though Im assuming he just knows it because he smokes a lot. He asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said I’ve never had sex stoned. And he’s like “its so much fun!”. So i said okay. Firstly, I hate cotton mouth, and I forgot smoking does that to you, and secondly, I am the most clumsy person ever. So trying to be on top of him during sex, I kept falling off. I decided I would rather be sober if I’m going to have sex. So I actually know what’s going on and can keep my balance. He left the next morning and asked if I wanted to hang out again. I said sure but that I didn’t want to smoke. He was like “cool”….so he was going to come over that night. He said he had an errand to run first. So I said no prob! He was going to be at my place at 8. 9, 10, 11, 12…went by…no sign of him. I fell asleep. I get a call from him the next day. I found out what happened. He was delivering 15 pounds of marijuana for his friend (dealer) and got pulled over for a broken tail light. The cop smelled the pot (I’m pretty sure you can smell that much pot from New Jersey). And he got arrested. This was actually his second marijuana offense and because of that he could lose his pharmacy license (6 years of a Ph.D down the drain), and also go to jail and have to pay a huge fine. I told him to keep me posted on what was happening with the situation. I texted him a few times and didn’t hear anything. About a week later i see he texted me “are you up” in the middle of the night (and no, I was not). I texted him back. He never texted me back after that. I think he is probably out of Rikers because like a year later I saw him again on Tinder. But since i don’t want to be arrested for aiding and abetting, i decided to swipe left. Sorry Leo.
I got a message from a guy on Cougar Life. He was I believe 30 and said he was an attorney. He looked decent (no gauges in his ears, no mohawk, did not look like a member of a gang)…he was kind of preppy. We started talking and seemed to get along well. He knew my stance on not wanting a relationship, more like a FWB type of situation. He was going to come to my apt and we were going to go out to dinner. Prior to making plans with him, I had called Task Rabbit to clean my apartment. Unfortunately the Task Rabbit lady was running late (2 hours) and he got to my apartment early, so I told him we have to stay until she gets here and while she cleans. He seemed cool with it. So we ordered food in. Now I live in a studio. And because of that, I have a love seat instead of a couch in my “living” room. So we were sitting on the love seat. I found out he was an unemployed attorney (he got let go…i did not ask for details). And the Task Rabbit lady finally shows up. It was the MOST awkward thing ever. The guy (Sal) and I were sitting on the couch watching tv while she was cleaning. I did not know what to do. Like do I help her clean? Do we leave the apt (which i didn’t want to do because I never met her before)…So finally two hours later she left. And then I said I’m going to bed, thinking he would leave (I was not feeling any type of love connection). And he goes “I drove all the way here from Brooklyn…so I’m going to stay the night”. Now I hadn’t been dating all that long since I had started again, and i wanted to kick him out, but I wasn’t sure what the correct response would be. So I said fine, you can sleep over. Oh and prior to this, we had made plans to go out the following Saturday. So he got into bed next to me and started making out with me and dry humping me. And I was like “I’m really tired” and he goes “So you only want friends with benefits…huh? I’m not having sex with you”….and I was like what the fuck. The NERVE of this guy. I didn’t even want to fool around with him. I told him to please get off me and stay on his side of the bed. Which he did. The next morning I told him I had things to do so he had to leave. And he left. And then he had the nerve to tell me to let him know where we should go for dinner on Saturday. My head was spinning from the entire cluster fuck of the prior night. And the complete lack of self awareness he displayed. No wonder why he got fired from his lawyer job. So after he left I texted him and said I couldn’t make it on Saturday. I had a friend coming into town. I hate lying but even though he was a total asshat, i STILL hate hurting people’s feelings. He messaged me for a bit and I kept ignoring his messages. He then tried to start a words with friends game with me. I declined his invite. I think he finally got the hint because he stopped calling/texting/mind-fucking me. On the plus side, the Task Rabbit lady did a great job on my apartment. I gave her a good review.
Another day, another Tinder match. This guy was named Rob. He was of Cuban decent, grew up in S. Florida like me, and we liked a lot of the same things (scrabble, particular music, sci fi and gangster movies). We talked for a long time before we met (by long time i mean like a month). His mom was in town. After his mom left he asked if he could come over. I said sure. Oh and he owned an accounting firm (due dilligence again). He went to University of Pennsylvania, and of course I’m a sucker for an Ivy Leaguer. Anyway, it was about 11 pm, and he lived in Brooklyn, so I told him to take an Uber b/c he’ll never get over here in under two hours if he takes the MTA. So he came over and wear wearing a giant crucifix around his neck. That was immediately a turn-off. Im not religious but I was hoping if we knocked boots, he would take the little guy off and put it on my dresser. We talked for about two hours and then went to bed. We fell asleep pretty quickly. It was about 2 am by this time. We woke up around 10 am and he had to go see a place with some friends. But before we got out of bed, we had sex. I’m a morning sex person. But he wore the crucifix and that did’t really help the situation. He left and called me later and said he wanted to have me for dinner next weekend. I was like sure. And so about Wednesday i texted him and said are we still on for dinner. And he’s like no…i cant make it. So i said okay. And blocked him on text. The problem was we were still in a middle of a scrabble game online. And i had no idea with that particular release of that scrabble build how to block him. So we kept playing the game. No even chat during scrabble. So so awkward. Finally with the next scrabble build, he pinged me and asked me how i was doing. And I said great when i hang around people that dont stand me up. But then i figured out how to block him. And block I did. I resigned the game, and as hard as it was, I didn’t even care about losing points for resigning the game. It killed me a little because Im competitive, but not talking to him was worth more.