I was perusing through Tinder on the train (ignoring every nosy fucker trying to look at my screen), and i came across this profile for this 26 year old teacher. He was pretty cute (well my type….dark hair, tall, glasses). And he had a master’s degree. For some reason stuff that like turns me on. Im a total sapiosexual. So i swiped right and immediately it was a match. Mazel Tov. Anywhoo, his name was Mike and he was a history teacher for a private school. I chatted with him for awhile and it was his birthday. I had another date so at about 8 o’clock the other guy cancelled. I asked Mike if he wanted to come over. He said he was supposed to have cake with the family for his birthday but he was going to come over and tell his parents he’ll have it another night (which was red flag #1….the guy totally dissed his parents!). But i gave him my address (and i do my due diligence. I used to be an investigator so I am great at finding out about people and I actually have GBI clearance so I can have a few more tools at my disposal. Plus, he was way too dorky to be murdery. (Btw, i tend to like dorky guys). So he came over and right away there was chemistry. It didn’t even bother me that he rented his parent’s basement apartment (teachers don’t make a lot of money and NYC prices are insane). As soon as he walked in we started making out. I don’t usually do shit like that. But there was a definite connection. I didn’t expect much from this situation. We had sex and of course which was really good (the chemistry thing again) in my horribly awkward post-sex chat, i asked him how he felt about abortion. And how he felt about George Bush as a president. I was not expecting how conservative he was (though i should have guessed when one of his photos on tinder was a trip to Bibleland in Orlando with his family. Anyway he said each fetus is entitled to due process and that he didn’t believe in abortion. (Also i not only get a birth control shot every 3 months but use condoms), I really don’t want something terminal like a kid. And he also started talking about how we should go traveling this summer when he’s off from school. I said i’ll think about it (and think about it means no fucking way…a) i like to travel by myself…its very important to my psyche) and b) im not going cavorting around the country with a guy i barely know. He eventually left. I didn’t hear from him for a couple days. And then when he finally called me (yes he called and not texted) he told me he was in love with me and wants to marry me. And i said hold on there. You don’t even know me. You don’t know anything about me. He’s like i can tell what type of person you are and i love you and i want to be your husband. So i said i don’t work like that A) you are too young and B) i dont want to get married. Oh and in between this time i found out his parents are strict catholics. And i said you still live at home. And he said “oh i’ll move in with you”. And I’m like no thanks..I live in a studio and also I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED! So every day I got pressure from the kid. He was calling me constantly and then all of a sudden for two weeks I didn’t hear from him. And then he texted me and said I love you, i want to marry you, we are going to have sex without condoms, and you are going to tell me you love me. And that clicked something really really angry inside me. I said don’t call me again. And then two days later i got a call from him saying he saw a therapist and he’s better now. And i said you don’t get better from one therapy appt. I said I’ve been going to therapy for almost 30 years and I’m still fucked up. And after like two more times texting me i blocked him from my social media, blocked his phone number and said to him if you ever come to my apartment every again, I’m calling the cops for you stalking me and also calling the school you work at, because I don’t put up with that nonsense. My take away from that debacle was don’t date a 26 year old and be like only the 2nd person he’s had sex with. I haven’t heard from him. I hope he found a nice 20 something year old catholic girl he could boss around. And they can living happily together in his parents’ downstairs apt.